complicated part 2

one fine day...as i was diligently doing my work..concentrating hard with the paper dat i've been working on for the past 1 month, suddenly my M mate appeared out of nowhere right in front of my desk....

me : uishh....terkejot....naper? r u ok?

M mate :(with a serious face, dat i have adapted to..and can interpret well) hmmmm......sy ada bnda nk cakap ni

me : haaa? alamak....damn...sy ada buat salah lagi ke? big boss marah eh? (tpi, bukan ke dier kt *****? xkn sebok2 dgn event ada msa nk marah aku ni?)

M mate : (geleng kepala)..tak....haii..susahla bila org dh put trust ni...

me : aaaa? amendenye? xpehe...

M mate : sy baru dpt tau dr en.qwxrt, awk nk ditarik blk ke kementerian..

me : (wide eyed ) hahhhhhhh???????!!!!!!!!!!!!! takk...saya xmintak pon!!! ni smer salah en.xzrty!!! kan sy dh ckp, haritu msa sy gi kursus tu, saya satu table dgn dierr.......

M mate : sy tau, bukan salah awak...saya tak tau lah nk cakap apa....haiiii......

me : do i have a choice?

gulpppp.......leave? me? me leaving? heckkkk....baru 1bln, 12 hari im doing my task here.....im d first M to do dis task in dis no M's land....can i simply leave? whut wud people say? whut wud d B says? and, most of all...whut wud my big boss says?erkkkkssss.....

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dat was how d news was conveyed to me....i know the real story....i know how it all happened....it all happened sumwhere in march.....d final days of marCh (refer to previous blog)...however, due to some reason, i didnt put it down in words...i refuse to...coz, i dont see anything good if i write it dowN...but i have witnesses...they were there d whole time...during both incidents..they know i m innocent.....

few hours later..i was on phone with one of d people dat i trust d most in dis world....

kak Y : alhamdulillah......akak suke kalau sarah kt kementerian....with all d stories dat u've told me....and d fact dat u have no boss there, it is gud for u dear...

me : i know akak...but, why do i feel so sad? why am i reluctant? i know dis is gud...but y am i feeling sad to leave dis place?

kak Y : ur feeling sad coz u've juZ got d news....and u r feeling guilty to them....that's all... i know u sarah. u nk jaga hati orang...u keep on thinking abt d others...but u have to remember to jaga ur hati first......

me : yes, true akak.....huhuuuu.......dis is hard...i cant believe im sad to leave...

kak Y : in my opinion, there r only two reasons y ur feeling like dat. one, sbb ur feeling guilty with them and scared, and two, because u've fallen in love with dat place....SO, which is it???

gulpppp.....me? fallen in love with dis place?

few weeks ago...during a meeting to discuss dis one big event coming dis juNe...

mr.chairman : cafe 90099 ? berapa lama show dier nk bagi kita?

mr. mnjhk : ermm....kalau ikot ****, RM ****

mr.chairman : cik sarah, have u been to cafe 90099 ?

me : (gulp)errr....errr.... tak pernah...

director p : alhamdulillah..

and then, there was burst of laughter...and i cud feel my face turning red...eh, salah ke?bukan hardrock cafe tu yg mcm ada org wat persembahan2 tu ke? apasalahnya kalo x prnah mkan kt situ? ehh....am i weird?

mr. chairman : cik 78783, nnt bwak cik sarah kita ke situ..

huhuuuuu...sedih nyee....but i still kept my head high....i dont see why shud i feel ashame for dat...biarlaa...

when d meeting ends...

mr. mnjhk : so....cik sarah, bile kta nk gi cafe 90099 ?

dalam hati, nk je aku cekik mamat ni......

haiiiiii.......sabo jeleee......truth is, if the real reason they want me to go there to get extra budget for dis event....i wud b more than happy to slash it down....with the reason : MAKSIAT....hheheeee...but, of course i wudnt do dat..... when i talked to my close friends regarding to dis mater, alhamdulillah....they gave me d same answer...so whut if xpernah gi situ?

hmmmm...truth is, i really dont know which is d best....seriously, ALL my close friends wants me to go..wants me to leave....maybe due to d fact dat i was so stressed out....truth is, i wud still choose to stay here rather than go back to my previous place (although i miss my previous place dearly)...

yes...i dnt deny dat i dont see any pros of staying....i can only see d cons.....but maybe d fact that i've adapted to the whole surrounding is making me saD.... now i dont mind having my lunch alone in front of d pC.... i dont have trouble with finding d right route to go back home (after numerous time of sesatness)....i dont mind buying breakfast alone.....i can recall d names of all d directors in my department & identify who r their subordinates (which i thought wud be impossible 1 month ago)...i dnt mind attending the events dat my department is organizing every month....people has stopped assuming me as a practical student...i get along fine with all my anak buah....truth is, dis 1 month was bearable bcoz of them...maybe sbb tu kot aku sedih?

me? fallen in love? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm???

haiii.....nnt nak kena go through all over it again...adapting to a new place affects ur psychology.....huhuu...

whutever it is, im thankful to Allah.....i prayed to Allah to put me in d best place..i let Him chose....if dis is ketentuan Allah.....aku redha.....berserah dan bertawakal.......

complicated....

sigh.....
haiiiii....letih la mcm ni......shud i write down all d words on my mind? am i going to be in trouble? hmmm......

i know d implications dat i might face when i was there....at first, i thought dat its juz gonna be an awkward situation...a place where M is d minority.....and the remaining of it would be conquered by other scheme... i thought i know how it was going to be...i heard rumours....i heard news..i heard experiences frm other friends.....and i thought, whut the heck....im here...juz follow d flow, rite? as long as i did nothing wrong, insya Allah...everything wud be allrite.... plus, im holding onto d words of my PPK back during d years when i was in my 6 month course sumwhere in kiara...he said "pandai-pandailah bawak diri, tapi, jangan nak MEMANDAI-MANDAI"..... well, as long as we know how to mingle & bawak diri, M shud be ok surviving on their own in a no M's land....

well, am i right? or m i wrong?

so, a few days after i was there...i heard bad rumours...really bad ones...ok....dis is scary...but i really thought dat it was simply a matter of B against M....kannn? insya Allah..i will do my best not to be like dat...

but, last tuesday......of all d day...i went to a place where all of d decision makers, policy adjusters met.....and, my oh my....of all d ppl dat i was destined to be sitting with, i ended up sitting with the person whom i always heard d name, but havent seen d face...

so, dis is d person...the one who triggered everything..... hmmmmmm.....looking at him, he seems like a nice person...but once he opened his mouth...makkkkk aihhhhh....wowwww......ok, lets not kutuk ppl in here...

i sat quietly, listening to him talking & gossiping.....i heard it all, believe me, it was quite hard sumtimes, to separate his voice frm d facilitator's voice....i prefer to listen to d facilitator, coz, i dont want to be in trouble when my big boss wants me to explain to her later....but, i cant help but noticing dat there were times d name of my current department was being raised, and it was always abt negative things..is it juz me? or my department is problematic? well, i paid no attention whutsoever....plus, he doesnt seem to acknowledge me at all (which is kinda weird for me, coz, all M will eventually talk to each other....with the favorite question "batch mana?")..

2nd day....
him : berhati2 yer kat ctu
me : berhati2? dengan saper?
him : haii...berhati2 je lah

3rd day.........
after one day sitting in d same table, i heard more things....and, on d third day, he said
him : jaga2 la kat situ.... abcd(bukan nama sebenar) tu, tikam dari belakang, ok...
me : haaaa? abcd? dier tikam dr belakang? nmpk baik je?
him : lagi satu, nama dier pqrs(bkn nama sebenar) pon sama....
me : ternganga..

ini sudah beratt......apa aku nk buat ni?sighhhhhhhh... im in a very2 complicated situation....Ya ALLAH....kepada Mu aku mengadu....Bantulah hambamu..Lindungilah aku daripada dianiayai....Hanya kepada Engkau aku berserah....Sesungguhnya, hanya Engkau tempatku berlindung..amin....

d sculpted work culture

its already 2.43pm, friday..sumwhere on 33th floor.....in one of d buildings located sumwhere in d heart of kL...

as i was pacing back & forth looking for one of my anak buah...i sat down and think abt all the preparations needed for my first ever meeting regarding to dis finance thingy (sorry, had to b discreet). when suddenly, i juz realised....damn....dat meeting is in another 1 week...not dis monday as i thought....today is 11th, not 18th!

kenapa jadi mcm ni?

yes, i did get d date from d senior officer who advised me to do d meeting on 22nd. and yes, i know 22nd is monday....but, i thought dis coming monday is 22nd. and, because i will only have dat particular monday to settle d meeting & prepare feedbacks for my deputy dg (tuesday-cuti, wed-friday kursus), i was quite tensed.

truth is, i shudnt. and, d ugly truth is, im preparing all of d contigency plans for almost everything dat might backfire on monday.

sumtimes, i wonder, did my previous place really had sculpt me to be d person i m now? im very2 sure, a normal person wudnt accept the fact that u have to conduct a meeting, with a 1 day notice....im sure, a normal person wud choose d best time for dat meeting to take place...

but, the way i was sculpted, NO. u work on dateline. u have one date. u work towards it. and dat's why, when i thought i only have 1 day to prepare everything for d meeting, i was relatively calm & my mind was thinking how to get through it.

and, now, when i found out dat d meeting is set in 1week;s time, im quite worried... in my opinion, its too late. but, i dont know whether i shud raise my concern or not. if i raise it, im afraid, people might say, "aper minah ni, dh le baru, nk paksa2 orang pulak". but, if i dont raise it, it might turn out "lembapnyer minah ni wat keje".

warghhhh...., ke culture kt sini mmg bkn mcm tu?

a previous discussion with d senior officer...

me : owh, kta boleh reduce kpi kiter? i mean, lower down d level? boleh ke? xpe ke?

senior officer : buat apa kita janji utk benda yg kita tak mampu buat?

me : ooo....ok2. (kalau kat tmpt lama aku, ko bg jawapan mcm ni mmg nk kena la)

truth is, i dont know whether to stick to my current sculpt, or, change with d current situation...in my previous office, u think hard, beat the impposibilities....bnda plg last minit pun boleh. hari rabu petang suddenly decide nk wat retreat kt melaka on friday d same week...proceed!

hari rabu petang inform kna wat paper utk mesyuarat pengarah2 on jumaat, and d meeting is held in johor (which means, kna siap sebelum jumaat), proceed!

im sooooo used to ad-hocs situation, it has sculpted me to always respond on time to almost all d task given. (bukan nk bangga diri). truth is, i dont know whether dat is a gud thing or not...

when ur in a workplace where adhocs is normal, slow pace, sometimes, might drive u crazy.. but, u cannot force ur anak buah to work like u. ke aku ni dh jadi workaholic sebenarnya?

ke, sebenarnya, tmpt lama aku tu yg sgt2 xorganize?

OP

dis blog entry is specially dedicated to my dearest friend... (although currently, im in a panic stricken situation, i still want to write dis blog entry)

office politics......yup, dat's normaL... as normal as having a cup of tea or coffee every morning at d pantry in d office (although, sad to say, current pantry does not have d same function as d previous one, but, who am i to complain abt it....mental note : next entry about pantry).

okie, back to d discussion...where was i....owh, office politics...heheeee...... i truly aware of office politics...and, do understand it quite well....and, i wud like to stress here, I AM NOT PART OF ANY OFFICE POLiTICS. when u've been attached for quite sometime in a workplace, u'll get to know d office politics dat is being practised at that particular place.

office politics r unique at every place. it differs frm one place to another...and, d severity of it also differs as well... there r places with little office politics, but has a severe impact of it...and, there are also places with massive office politics, but, little impact... well, actually, d severity of it actually depends on only one person...yes, truly one persOn.... d head of d organization in which d office politics is being practised, or let's call it as CDO (chief director of organization). (penatlah nk type office politics bnyak kali ni, so, lets shorten it to OP)

to most CDO, sumtimes, they r not quite sure abt the op dat is being practised....of course, once ur up above d rest, ur perspective might be shifted at least, 90 degrees. so, when ppl (director of each division in dat organization, let's shorten it to DD) start to tell u this and dat...saying " decision A is good" or " our mergers with company xys is good for our profit maximizing policy" , u might tend to accept it without thinking d impact of it (yelah, dh kt atas, bnyak bnda nk pk...mnader msa nk pk yg kecik2 ni)..

well, actually, i dont deny d fact of d positivity of OP.....especially to those involved....and, of course, the ones that enjoy d most, are actually, d anak2 buah of those DD.... or, we can simply call these DD as the favourites.....or the special ones...

to these DDs (sorry, i hate to call them as special), they sometimes seems to be immune to any problems...or difficult tasks....and, sometimes, they even have the VETO power against almost anything dat crosses their path....

example...

one fine day.....after weeks filled with hardwork, staybackS, screaming, shouting, kutuking (which only applies for stress relief), d day has come for a programme to kick off... all representatives frm all over malaysia has either checked-in to their respective hotels or already boarded d flight...when suddenly,

DD 1 : why r we having dis programme at ***? on dis date?? postpone it to another week!

organizing committee : aaaaa????(perplexed, confused & cudnt believe whut she juz heard)

juz imagine, all d hard work & weeks of preparation were simply useless, simply bcoz one DD does not favor dat particulare date & venue (whereas, e-mails regarding the programme had been circulated for weeks, and, of all d day dat u have before dis day, PESAL KO TAK CKP AWAL2??)

so, minutes later, e-mails will be sent to all participants (and, phone calls, of course to those who already arrived) informing d postponement of d program. yes, everyone was soo upset, angry to the organizing committee (whom, in dis case, is innocent, only did as whut had been told, with no power to say no, only have d power to say "Astaghfirullah").. examples:

participant J : aper korang ni. sker2 panggil...sker2 postpone...ktaorg kt state bnyk keje tau takk.....

participant K : saya dh check in hotel dah ni....pesal x ckp tengah malam je???

organizing committee : nk wat mcmana...ni arahan...

kepada orang2 yg sker wat OP ni......its up to u....tapi, janganlah smpai aniaya orang...

kepada sahabat aku yg tgh sedih, sabaq bnyak2 dear.... Allah akan tolong kau....kitaorg doakan yang terbaik untuk kau...walau di mana saja tempat tu.....amin....

transition periOd..

alhamdulillah...everything is settled...

i got my salary.... i have a pc..i have table, chair...i have my own room...but i dnt have a telephone line....xperla.... syukur....

truth is, i feel soo alone....sunyi sangat....tkde kawn nk membebel...i really2 miss my division mates... dlu boleh peek at azam's place...and tortured him with my neverending-innocent-irritating questions (kau tgh watpetu? apasal slide kau warna ni? kenapa gambar tu senget, ko tgh baca blog kerrrrr..and so on), sometimes i simply stand up and talk abt the latest news in nst online & gave him my point of view (which, sumtimes he wasnt listening at all) or started membebel abt any boss or worker or counterpart frm other ministry dat irritates me.....

in d same time i had syidah...whom i truly adore. she has a knick of knowing abt many2 interesting facts... i miss sharing all d facts with her....or talk abt story books...or share abt d espisodes of our favorite astro english series.... i miss gossipping abt d bossess...and, most of all, i miss torturing azam with her.... and of course, there was min... d ever soft spoken lady.... i miss her calmnes...her prioritiness...gossipping with her is fun....

their presence in my division made everything bearable...frm mr. X, d big boss boss whom always gave directions dat will eventually made us in trouble, or has an idea dat is usually out of dis world or gave directions with baseless facts, to mr Z, d boss who is very2 oriented..but, always think out of the box dat evetually, will made us all search for all kind of information dat sumtimes, all of us think mr.X will NEVER understand (explaining things to mr.X can be quite challenging & tormenting, and sumtimes i feel like screaming)..

truth is, its quite tensed working there...but, with their presense, everything was bearable.... no matter how stupid or useless task we had to do, we did it anyway(after minutes of babling, gossipping & kutuking abt the stupidity of d task)...because,,we did it while we were laughing....dont get me wrong...all of us take our job seriously....its juz dat,when u r faced with task dat is sometimes stupid or directions that is clearly not worth it, and when u've wasted ur energy explaining d outcome of it & explaining all d other possible alternatives, but still, all fall on deaf ears, u juz have to do it....but, u have to laugh...if not, u'll ended being so stressed out..so, juz laugh abt it....and prepare d answer when other divisionS went berserk...

but in here, its a different story....ptd as a minority plays a significant role as well actually. im d only ptd on my floor. and currently, there are only 3 pegawai on my floor. the rest r not...and in 2 weeks time, its gonna be 2. and, frm dis 2, im 41. the other one is, my tkp. huhuuu...stress nyer..

im used to talk alot when i do my work... it helps me to focus.....and i need friends with me...i hate being alone.... huhuu....being an officer in here doesnt quite help actually. takde sapa aku nk ajak mkan....and, derang turun mkan pn x ajak aku....ke aku yg kena ajak diri aku dgn derang? tapi...nk ke derang mkan dgn aku? like me, i dont like to eat with my bosses. so, do they feel d same abt me? arghhhhh....

duit....

money... essential...cant live without it... and some wud kill for it......
i always know d pain of not having money....and i always try very2 hard to save some of my hard earned money.... huhuuuuu.....

rite now, im sooo damn worried.... tomorrow is my salary day..but i have some doubt...i dnt think i'll get my salary.... kan aku pindah tmpt keje...not only tukar tempat keje, i now serve different organization.... so, d process of changing dis and dat mighta take some extra few weeks........

my car is due for its maintenance a few weeks agO....well, actually, i shud have taken d car to d service outlet...but...i put it to hold....why? well, simply coz i overspend d money dat was supposed to pay for the maintenance on something else....a perfume....errr...two bottles of perfume, actually....and i love dat perfume...plus, i've been wanting to buy a new one for quite some time!! well.. now i kinda regret it actually....bcoz...d meter has shown 32000miles...extra 2000 miles...im supposed to take it for maintenance when it reached 30000....and, juz now, when i started the engine.....the car kinda vibrated in a different & suspicious way.....damn.... tolong lah jgn rosak.... i seriously have no money rite now...

apart from its due date for maintenance....actually, i need to replace the tires with a new set as well...which might cost for extra hundreds of ringgit..... huhuuu.... i sense dat my car might take at least rm800 frm my salary...which i have no clue will appear in my maybank account...

okie.... other than car...actually, i have soooo many things dat i need to buy.... my toiletries...my skincare....everything is almost finish...and i have to squeeze hard to get every drop from every tube/bottle.....
i dont like forking out my savings..... it feels WRONG....
yes, i do have my savings...but.....savings r savings....the money dat we save for emergency....dis is not emergency...rite? truth is....sometimes its quite hard for me to save....i dont know where d hell did my money gO.... i used to keep track of my spending...but im not dat diciplined, i tend to forget to write down how much i spent on dis or dat..... all dat i cud keep track r my liabilities....like paying d car loan, ptptn, phone bills, credit cards etc.... and my to my parents.... do i have problem? huhuuuu....

tak ske takde duit!!

stress....

i took a day off today.....tapi, aku sangat tak enjoy my day off....and why is dat? because i feel so stressed out....i keep worrying abt my job at d office...i cud feel my heartbeat getting faster...huhuuu....kenapa aku mcm ni....why am i so stressed out?

Mcamana aku xstress….ke aku ni mmg xpandai handle stress? Maybe aku ada anxiety problem? Huhuuuuu…org ckp, amek lah cuti….rest….haiii…msalahnya, everytime aku nk cuti, bala keje musti datang…dah banyak kali…and, im d type who don’t like to trouble my colleagues….im d type who don’t like other ppl to b in trouble coz I didn’t do my job well…..i hate it when im not at d office, my boss wud ask things that is under my responsibility...and i hate it when my colleagues terpaksa go through my pc or through files to get the information because they dont want to trouble my at home...that shows how unefficient my organization is....

Sometimes, I think I worry for almost every single thing abt my job….but, aren’t we suppose to take our job seriously? I work for d public….every penny dat I earn is frm the ppl….kan tu dah jadi amanah? Nnt akhirat, kalau ditanya apa aku buat dgn amanah aku, whut am I suppose to answer?

Although I did my best to make sure I finish all my job before going for my cuti rehat, ada je benda yang buat aku susahkan orang balik….ntah la…I guess I worry too much….but my worries are not baseless….with my working environment dat is prone to have adhocs almost every week, its quite hard to have a few days off….

tak suka stress....tak suka risau pasal bnda2 keje ni....haiiiiii.....