i've always been friendly....talkactive...and nice....(hheehee.....i dont mean to boast, but...i think, i am nice)...
errr....was, actually...was talkactive....and friendly... when i was small, my family always move around...so, if im not friendly, how did i cope all the new surroundings, rite? i attended 3 primary schools and 2 secondary schooLs...believe me, being friendly is damn easy...but mixing around, is not...
so, when i did my last "friendliness" in a secondary school years and years agO...it didnt work out quite well..maybe because of the tradition of dat school...or they simply were quite conservative when it come to choosing their friend or "geng" ( u see, i was kinda different back then.....in other words, aku freehair)
but, dat was in secondary school.....when i entered my matriculation centre...i was happy.....i had friends....true friends....they r d ones who still stick to me till dis day and can be considered as true friends....heheee....however, i must admit dat, there were timeS back in d matriculation centre where i had to lunch alone.....dine alone...not because i didnt have friends...but, it was different....how different? well, i didnt think having ur meals at ur friend's room was ok...as much as i hate eating alone, i dont actually like interrupting one's privacy.....however, i must admit, my closest friends were the ones whom i always had my lunch & dinner with.....
in main campus, it was another story.....i had friend will me all d way.....however, i muz admit dat when i first started majoring, i had no friends ( d ones i was always with chose accounts, instead of economics)....mind u, for someone like me, being alone is actually quite depressing.....however, i managed to find other friends....and, blended well too... i guess? coz, i had no trouble finding friends for studygroups.....for assignment team..and blabla...i even had friends for lunch after classes....friends for breakfast before classes and friends for dinner.....and, they truly are my true friends.....
well...fast forward....d working world....i first started everything as " totallybeing alone" when i joined the graduate training programme, under dis one company's csr (corporate social responsibility)...well....i muz say...im proud of myself, coz i managed to find friends within a few hours....and, i muz admit, they were among the nicest people in d world...(its not easy to find ppl dat u can simply "click" within a few hours)
when i joined the so called ptd...d first thing dat i was exposed to was the 10-day course sumwhere in kluang...in the 1st few days, i was ok, coz we moved in groups...but a few days later, when there were no more moving in groups, reality slapped me in the face...i dont actually have friends??? huhuu...dont get me wrong,..they r nice...and at dat time, i know there were nice ppl, its juz dat i cudnt find them? plus, i juz dont see myself making friends everytime i sit for my breakfast, lunch or dinner...seriously...although i consider myself as friendly, but, do i have to do "hai...i'm sarah" everytime i want to eat? everytime i sat next to a stranger? so, i chose the best natural way to survive...juz shut ur mouth & smile to ppL....well, actually, i feel less stressed...because, everytime u introduce urself to a stranger, ur kinda forced to talk abt almost anything....and, i dont actually like it....because, its either u have to impress ppl with ur knowledge or give educational feedback...no, dat is not me....i wanna eat, not force my brain to work!!!
when i first joined the working world....err, few weeks after the course in kluang...i was ok....i had friends at the office (but, not at home)...although i muz admit, there were many2 times i had to brunch all alone at the office...not bcoz of i dont have friends, but i prefer dat way.....i wud go to the cafe, bought food & eat my food around 11 am while watching martha stewart....huhuuu.....was i unhappy at dat time? well, not really though (eventhough i lose a lot of weight)
so, whut did i do when 1pm came? simple, juz watch tv....hmmm....i dont know why, but i see myself as not trying to socialize too much with my officemate....maybe sbb majoriti lelaki? or maybe sbb majoriti dah kawen? but, seriously, the ladies there were nice....maybe, i was less interested to socialize there...and, i keep telling myself dat i'll be there for only 6 months coz after i'd be off for my DPA course in INTAN.. dat made it easier for me not to socialize too much....weeee......
6 months later....the dpa thingy....d one dat i was soo worried.....worried coz i was afraid i might not be able to get through it...with me being soo claustophobic and achrophobiac....i was constantly reminded with all d bad imaginations of almost all the activities...however, i muz admit dat i managed to face it all....weeee....and, not to forget dat i forged a new friendship with a few people.....they made DPA bearable for me throughout the 6 months..im not ashamed to confess dat, i only managed to be closed to a few people only.....weeee.....do i have problem mixing with people? NO....did they hated me? NO (im pretty sure on dat)...its juz dat, i had trust issues....hehehe....i tend to shut my mouth when im surrounded with ppl dat i dont know (and dont like)...
i dont know why, its damn hard for me to trust people, especially when i started working....looking back, most of my friends dat still stick to me till dis days are my buddies from iiu......yes, i do have close friends at the office, and, i do trust them...however,they are actually less than 5 person...
i juz realised dat im not dat close to my ptd friends....in ptd, we were taught to always stay connected to our batch....means dat, if my batch has 400++ ptds, i shud at least, know their faces....so dat, my work in d future wud be easy.....fair enuff.....i totally agree on dat.....being ptd, means dat u need to have a wide connection.....well, as for me, dat kind of connection i never ever intended to use.....im not saying dat d connection is bad, its juz dat, i dont feel like being connected to them.. i never went out to hang out with my ptd friends (other than my officemate)...i havent attend one of the weddings of my ptd friends, althoough i received their invitation cards.. (but i attended my iiu buddies weddings...hehee...)
so, actually, whut is wrong me? is dis juz a trust issue? whut does a trust issue got to do with networking? with cathing up with ur friends? huhuuu.....i guess, dis is juz me, i have trust issues....fair enuff....ke aku dh takder social skills?
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